Thursday, January 30, 2014

We came to believe in a Higher Power



Several years ago, after they had sought help from a treatment center,  a family member approached me with the fact they weren't sure they believed in the God we had been given. 

I freaked out and started to walk away. Of all the chaos and instability in my life over the years, one thing that remained the same for me was God. God was my steady. I wasn't willing to revisit who He was, I just knew I needed him. 

The religion I had always known was one of teaching and discipline . I was taught to do it Gods way if I wanted to be okay. The problem didn't go wrong in doing it God's way, the problem came about because I believed other people's interpretation of God's way. I believed who they told me God was and what he wanted from me. 

My family member didn't allow me to walk away. Rather they stood stubborn and challenged me to take God out of the box. They told me to clear my mind of everything I had ever came to understand, to sit down and spend time with God and in his word and to seek Him. 

I took this to another person of accountability who told me that was exactly what we should all do. We should sit down and seek understanding of who God is, what does he look like, smell like, taste like, feel like. To develop a relationship with God will allow us to get to know him, free from biased opinions of others. While it is great to discuss God with others and learn from others, God doesn't want us to believe what is just handed to us by them. He wants us to know him, intimately and personally.

As I looked at the beautiful sunrise this morning, I lost my breath. I could feel God's beauty, grace and sovereignty wrapped around me.  As I sit down for my morning devotional on understanding God, I immediately thought back to the time when I truly came to know him. What a beautiful time that was and how great it is to have an understanding of my own that reminds me every day, how loved I am. God loves each of us so much. There is a quote from C.S. Lewis that perfectly describes that love... 

"He died not for men, but for each man. If each man had been the only man made, He would have done no less. C. S. Lewis"

So, my challenge to you. Sit down in God's word and in his world. Be still and know Him, not because some one else told you, but because in your heart he has taken up residence  and for some of you he is looking to move in. Know your creator, one on one. I am praying you find him there, in the still. 

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” (Psalm 46:10 ESV)


A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 
Johnna 




Tuesday, January 28, 2014

From a Slave of people to a Servant of God


have learned in recovery that character defects are usually our character assets that have become messed up. 

God gifted me with a servant's heart. This is a good thing in the ministry field. This is also an asset easily manipulated in a dysfunctional environment. Without healthy boundaries , this asset becomes a defect and makes me a slave to people. 

This slave mentality happens as a result of not accepting or knowing God's truth. He didn't prepare us to serve people, He prepared us to serve Him. When we accept that, then He can use us to help people. 

Attention is my love language. When someone takes the time to acknowledge I exist, I feel loved. When I feel love, I become a servant. That makes sense because that is how God gifted me to preform in a loving environment. 

The problem in the past has happened when I feel love in a dysfunctional environment or relationship. I get attention and so my gift of service kicks in. But because I have not had boundaries in the past, nor the ability to recognize unhealthy people and because I was unhealthy myself,  instead of serving the other person inside a loving relationship, I enabled them to whatever hurt, habit or hang up they struggle with.

 I have found myself trapped in a cycle that if I didn't enable the other person, they would walk away from me and take their attention with them. I would end up feeling unloved and unwanted. That's a dark place to be. I would continue to enable so I could continue to feel love.

Here is the pivotal element to my ability to recover from this issue.  I recognized my feelings were in the way of God's truth. You can read back and see how many times I used the word feel. 

The truth is, I don't have to feel loved, I am loved. Every second, of every minute, of every day before I was even created in my mother's womb, God loved me. 

Accepting this as truth has allowed me to reopen my servants heart and use it for the purpose God has for me. I am no longer a slave to other people. I love other people, but it is a healthy love now. It is the true love God has shown me that has allowed me to give true love to others.  I receive my love and affirmation from Him. The more I accept His love, the more I am able to serve and be fulfilled, rather than left empty and damaged by people that have failed me time and time again. 

The truth is, we are all messy sinners saved by grace. Therefore, we all fall short of meeting each other's needs. God didn't intend for us to fill each other's needs. He, alone, wants to meet all of our needs.  To try and do everything for another human being sets us up for failure. We will never succeed. He won't allow it. He wants to be our everything. 

I know many of you, like myself, struggle with relationships with other people that include family, friends, and acquaintances. I pray these words will open your heart to allow God, and not people to be your everything. I pray that you will no longer be a slave to people but a servant for Him. I pray you know true love.

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 
Johnna 

Friday, January 24, 2014

Surrendering Pain



I was truly convicted this last week to turn my pain over to God. Even though God has been working in me through recovery ministry, I didn't know pain was an issue. I knew there had been tremendous moments of pain through out my life but I had buried with denial the truth that I was not dealing with the pain appropriately. I thought I was strong but I have realized my weakness. 

In my recovery bible, I looked up "pain" and it brought me to the Book of Job. What was a single verse led  me to read most of the book through again. It was different this time through, despite many times through before, I could relate to Job. I could literally feel the bitterness, the questions, the anger, the attempts at justification and the frustration with his friends that just didn't understand.  

Right before the epilogue of Job, came a pivotal verse for me. 

I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; (Job 42:5 ESV)

I have heard of God since I was a young girl. I have worked on getting to know God for the last two years. It has been through confronting my pain, I can see God more clearly at work in my life. 

Working as well on our joint testimony, my husband and talk about the extremes. He lost his birth mother when she was murdered. I lost my mother to suicide. And well, I could go on and on and on with extreme moments that were very painful in our lives. It's not the just specific moments, it's the reason for them.
 
What this week has brought me to is the understanding that God was not punishing me, he was preparing me. Like Job, I felt (feel) like I have done most of what I am supposed to do. I followed the rules the best I knew how. I have a huge list of justifications for the pity parties I am capable of throwing for myself over the things that have happened in my life. Now I can accept, it doesn't matter what I want to justify as my right to be offended, hurt, mad, and angry. It matters that God has a plan and he won't waste the pain and injuries in my life. There is a work in front of me. With the ability to see more of God, I am seeing with more clarity his calling on my life. 

I am able to work through the pain just as one would with any other issue in recovery. One day at a time, surrender, and most important, faith in my higher power, God. 

So I share in this post, my ultimate surrender of pain. I share not just for myself though. I share for those still hurting, full of legitimate heart wrenching pain and no answer as to how to make it stop. I am praying for you to be able lay that pain down at the foot of the cross. I am praying you don't just think about the God you have heard of, but that you may come to know and SEE Him. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 
Johnna 

Monday, January 20, 2014

MLK, conflict, love, and a dare to dream

"Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love." -Martin Luther King, Jr. 

This is quite the concept, resolving conflict with love.  What happens if we are taught to deal with conflict wrong? Even worse, what if we haven't been taught at all to deal with conflict? 

I can't pinpoint this to one person or one environment but I can say that growing up, I did not learn to handle conflict appropriately. I learned lots of great things, but this one completely escaped me. 

I have always dealt with conflict with one of two ways, avoiding it or blowing things wide open. If there was a resolution, very rarely could I take credit for it. 

I am grateful to say I am not only learning to handle conflict, I am learning to resolve it in Love. I don't have to be accusatory or play the blame game to state that I have been offended. I don't have to be crushed or play the victim if someone says I have a offended them. I can accept there is a situation, it needs resolved. 

The enemy is great at getting us to believe we have enemies among ourselves. The truth, God created all people to live in community and anywhere an enemy is, sin is responsible. We win that victory when we make the effort, how exhausting and daunting it may seem, to resolve conflict with one another out of love. Looking forward to a resolution that brings us together in humanity as it was intended.

Society isn't so forward thinking about all of this. We are quick to sue our neighbors in court, to file police reports against those that have wronged us, to fire those employees that fall short a simple time or two, or to file for that divorce when our spouse fails to meet our expectations. 

It is difficult to sit down with one another and work things out, to mediate, to save a relationship rather than write it off, to listen to others talk about how we might have offended them. We rather shout their offenses from the roof tops. We, as a society, have fallen out of love with the concept of peace and replaced it with ideas of self prosperity. What we want, what we deserve, what we earn is more important and we have forgotten to lay ourselves down and fight for the greater good.

It's time to take that fight back up. We must find the courage to speak up for justice and  to commit ourselves to finding a resolution where we see wrong. We must learn to handle conflict in love so that we can teach others that same love. We must dare to dream again. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ,
Johnna 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Place To Be

Six months ago, a situation arose and I felt led to make a huge decision. It was a decision that involved taking action. 

Lots of prayers leading each baby step resulted in something that was so much bigger than myself. It was something that happened out of my obedience to answer a calling. 

As the dynamics of the situation changed recently, I panicked as I began wondering what I should do next. How was I to move forward, what decisions to make next and would it all work out? 

You see, I didn't go in to this situation prepared for what would happen but what has happened prepared me for so much more. 

I have had to step back and realize, God will take us to circumstances that require us to constantly seek him so that we learn to constantly seek him. 

I don't have to think about what I need to do going forward, I only have to prayerfully seek the right next move and God will advance me. He will move me past myself and into his purpose and his will. It's a good place to be, the best place to be.

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 
~Johnna 

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Pretty Masks

So I admit, I watch others to learn from others. I have done this from a very young age. 

I have always known my life wasn't the average mom-dad-two kids-one dog-brick home with white picket fence kind of life. As I got older, I realized, how much my life was far from that picture I had developed of "normal". Then I got older and wondered was that a normal that even existed? Then I realized, even in a family that fit that description, it was just a pretty mask. The reality, life is messy, chaotic and up and down! A pretty mask to hide behind doesn't change that. 

Back to learning from people and the expectations I have had to let go of. What we see is not reality, it's a perception. Reality requires a view of the whole picture and often we are limited to the glasses we have looked through our whole lives. I have worked through a recovery program that has enlightened my peripheral vision. I still don't have the complete picture and it's very likely, that won't happen soon.

I have sifted through many disappointments, let downs, and failures. I have had to work through trust issues and anger issues and the whole vomiting-emotions-on-everyone-that-is-in-my-path-when-I-can-no-longer-deal-with-feelings thing that I do. 

What's the point of this blog, learning truth. It doesn't come from watching people, it comes from God's word. In the bible I have found my comfort. The answers I search for on how to navigate life are all there. An example that I hold dearest is to seek God in all that I do and He will make my path straight. 

I don't have to follow the pretty masks! I don't have to struggle to be right. I don't have to blindly navigate this world and end up hurt and defeated. I can seek God. He is the great navigator, planner, protector, and provider. When things don't go right, it's usually that they aren't wrong, but that I set up expectations and therefore defeated myself. 

Truth sets us free. As I fall short of my own expectations again and again, I am reminded, the only thing I  should expect is that I will need to hand my life over to God every day. When I feel that I have let God down, I just have to remember I can't let God down, I am not holding him up. The truth is, God is holding me up and He will never let me down. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 
Johnna 

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Resolution of Intentional Decisions


Goals, resolutions, the resounding themes for the day. A new year, another chance to surrender, another opportunity to grow and change.

Really, we have those options at any moment on any given day. We can choose to surrender to Christ and become new. 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV)

Today seems to be the day that we are to be intentional with our goals. I think that should happen every day though. With that thought, my resolution is one I have had in my heart for awhile. I want to work on making intentional decisions.

 I don't want life to happen to me. I want to seek God's will, discover my calling, and take that leap of faith to live the life I have been designed for. Two years ago my resolution was recovery, last year was growth, this year it comes together. It's time accept the old is gone and I have been made new. Even though I already knew that, I want to live like that, intentionally. 

A Grateful Believer In Jesus Christ 
~Johnna