A lot has happened in life and recovery lately. Most of it has been great and all of the great is so much more than just me or anything I did. Everything great that has appeared a victory in my life, has actually came from God working on my life and working in me. That is a great and humble feeling.
The old me would struggle with pride and arrogance at some of the awesome victories in my recovery. The new me actually struggles with fear.
I described this fear to my husband and then to my sponsor. I could mostly relate it to the story of Peter when Jesus calls him to come to him in the storm. At the point Peter becomes frightened and takes his eyes off of Jesus, he starts to sink. I imagine him in the storm actually feeling he is going to drown. Peter cries out to Jesus and Jesus saves him.
I remember life before recovery and before complete surrender. I feel called out of the storm and the fear I feel is that my flesh might cause me to take my eyes off of Jesus. I have felt that fear of drowning, I don't want to ever feel that way again.
The same day I described this feeling and the insight I had received of how Peter might have felt almost drowning, the passage of Matthew 14:24-32 came up two more times. Once in a book I'm reading and another in a daily devotional I receive.
What I have learned is that I might have fear and there will be storms. The prayer I have is for the ability to keep my eyes on Jesus, my mouth speaking Jesus and my heart full of Jesus.
Do you struggle with the up and down, the feeling of Victory followed by the fear of drowning? Do you stay intentional in your recovery to keep focused on Jesus? Join me in deciding to opt for that closer walk with Jesus, to reach out in the storm and to let him hold us up.
A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ,
Johnna
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