Oh this road to recovery. Sometimes we accidentally learn more than we bargained for.
My husband and I gave our joint testimony for the first time yesterday. At least as far as a public setting goes. It was the shorter version for a video and structured in interview form. My heart was so grateful for the Godly sober man sitting next me. For so long I just wanted him to be better, I didn't imagine excellence. That is what God did with him though, transformed him into an amazing and wise man that now ministers to others that struggle with addictions. Oh what a blessed woman I am or so I was thinking.
Then, as I sit with my family last night watching a Christmas movie, I was overcome with grief. Oh how rude grief is, showing up at any time it wants without warning. It's been 15 weeks since I lost my mother to suicide. The mixed feelings that come with that. Oh how I tried to get her to seek help. I begged, pleaded, threatened, manipulated, I just wanted her to be better. I needed her.
God's way of redeeming my trials and tribulations is often to show me a lesson. I have come to accept this and in the midst of trials, I impatiently wait for the lesson so I can feel the relief that comes with purpose. Well today, that lesson that has been brewing for three days finally showed up.
I needed my mom and my husband to be okay and I needed that for myself. I realize so much more now. I feel compassion replacing feelings of abandonment. I can't imagine the hell they were living in facing battles and not finding an escape. I realize that though their struggles affected me, their struggles weren't about me.
What I am trying to get out, that I want to share,
When we seek help for our loved ones struggling with addictions, we have to ask, is it because their addictions are hurting them, or is it because their addictions are hurting us? If it's not for them, we need a meeting too!
We can't help others when we make it about what we can benefit from the situation. We can only help others when we accept that we are merely placed in their path for God to work through us. When we admit that and surrender to that, God can and will work through us.
I can't bring my mom back. I can't change what that situation was, but I can share and hope someone reading can understand the importance of seeking God and finding help for themselves. You can't help a friend or loved one if you don't seek guidance first. It can't be about you, but God knows your desires and He can redeem your story when you let Him use you for His Purpose.
I am grateful for my marriage, for my sober husband, for healed relationships, and a chance to bring the good news of Christ and the testimony of redemption God gave us through His son.
For all the blessings and bonuses that have been springing up all around, I pray to stay surrendered. I pray for you reading this. If you are searching for any answers for you or someone else it begins with surrendering your heart to Christ. It's that simple and that enormous all in one. I pray you find surrender.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:33 NIV)
A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ
~Johnna
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