Surrendering Pain

I was truly convicted this last week to turn my pain over to God. Even though God has been working in me through recovery ministry, I didn't know pain was an issue. I knew there had been tremendous moments of pain through out my life but I had buried with denial the truth that I was not dealing with the pain appropriately. I thought I was strong but I have realized my weakness. 

In my recovery bible, I looked up "pain" and it brought me to the Book of Job. What was a single verse led  me to read most of the book through again. It was different this time through, despite many times through before, I could relate to Job. I could literally feel the bitterness, the questions, the anger, the attempts at justification and the frustration with his friends that just didn't understand.  

Right before the epilogue of Job, came a pivotal verse for me. 

I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; (Job 42:5 ESV)

I have heard of God since I was a young girl. I have worked on getting to know God for the last two years. It has been through confronting my pain, I can see God more clearly at work in my life. 

Working as well on our joint testimony, my husband and talk about the extremes. He lost his birth mother when she was murdered. I lost my mother to suicide. And well, I could go on and on and on with extreme moments that were very painful in our lives. It's not the just specific moments, it's the reason for them.

 

What this week has brought me to is the understanding that God was not punishing me, he was preparing me. Like Job, I felt (feel) like I have done most of what I am supposed to do. I followed the rules the best I knew how. I have a huge list of justifications for the pity parties I am capable of throwing for myself over the things that have happened in my life. Now I can accept, it doesn't matter what I want to justify as my right to be offended, hurt, mad, and angry. It matters that God has a plan and he won't waste the pain and injuries in my life. There is a work in front of me. With the ability to see more of God, I am seeing with more clarity his calling on my life. 

I am able to work through the pain just as one would with any other issue in recovery. One day at a time, surrender, and most important, faith in my higher power, God. 

So I share in this post, my ultimate surrender of pain. I share not just for myself though. I share for those still hurting, full of legitimate heart wrenching pain and no answer as to how to make it stop. I am praying for you to be able lay that pain down at the foot of the cross. I am praying you don't just think about the God you have heard of, but that you may come to know and SEE Him. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna