An entire year of One Day at a Time

It's been at least a week of dread realizing this day was coming. Today, it's been one year since I lost my mother to suicide. 

Knowing I needed to sit down and ask God to give me something to share, and knowing it would be painful, I didn't want to face this day. The memories are still painful but a tiny more bearable. 

The thing about sharing our story, is that healing is brought when we allow God to recycle our pain. He uses even the bad spots for his glory. He gives us redemption, free and undeserved. He needs us to pass that a long so others know they can receive it as well. 

What can be redeeming about this situation? It hasn't been easy to find silver linings, but what I have done is think a million times over what I wish I could have said to my mom. It tormented me for the first six months after her death until God helped me turn the torment into testimony. It's that recycled pain that I can and do share  now with others.

What I wish I could have told her and what would I tell someone else struggling to survive ...

Suicide is an unnecessary decision. I know the pain is real, but Jesus already took that pain to the cross and died that death for you, all you have to do is accept that truth, stand on that truth and claim victory in that truth. 

It may take other believers, lots of prayer and a recovery program to overcome such an intense attack from the enemy, but the first and most important step is accepting the work done on the cross. 

"Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 53:4-5 ESV)

The thing I would like the survivors  to know, is Jesus loves you, he sees you, and he is with you. He was born, he lives, he died and he rose again, just for you. He will never leave you or forsake you. The pain is excruciating but you too can take your pain to the cross and he will heal you. 

I am praying for all who reads this, that you find the grace, mercy, hope and love that comes from our One True King

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

How Joseph Recovered

The story of Joseph is one of the most amazing story's of recovery and reunification to me. 

After being sold into slavery by his jealous brothers, Joseph later becomes exalted in all of the land Egypt, his importance to the people , second only to Pharaoh. 

After many years, Joseph's brothers travel to Egypt during famine for help. Approaching him, they begged for relief, not realizing at the time he was their own brother. Joseph takes care of them and their families. 

The brothers made amends out of fear after their father dies but Joseph knows that God's hand has been in his life and used every bit of his trials for good. This is what he tells his brothers... 

"But Joseph said to them, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.” Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. "(Genesis 50:19-21 ESV)

Sometimes, we find ourselves in unfair circumstances. People intentionally hurt us for various reasons. Sometimes these offenses causes disturbances in many relationships. Joseph didn't see his father for many years and his father thought him dead, as a result of his brothers actions. 

Forgiveness and healing come when we are able to turn our circumstances over to God. When we put our faith in him and not in people, then we can work out our relationships, even the most difficult ones. 

I have to admit, there are still relationships in my own life that have not found healing, three years into recovery. There are also many relationships that have been made new and they are beautiful. 

Today, I pray for you to learn from Joseph and the example he set. I pray for you to trust that God can use you exactly where you are, regardless how you got there, and he can make it better. God can and will restore your life, let him! 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ,

Johnna 

We came to believe in a Higher Power

Several years ago, after they had sought help from a treatment center,  a family member approached me with the fact they weren't sure they believed in the God we had been given. 

I freaked out and started to walk away. Of all the chaos and instability in my life over the years, one thing that remained the same for me was God. God was my steady. I wasn't willing to revisit who He was, I just knew I needed him. 

The religion I had always known was one of teaching and discipline . I was taught to do it Gods way if I wanted to be okay. The problem didn't go wrong in doing it God's way, the problem came about because I believed other people's interpretation of God's way. I believed who they told me God was and what he wanted from me. 

My family member didn't allow me to walk away. Rather they stood stubborn and challenged me to take God out of the box. They told me to clear my mind of everything I had ever came to understand, to sit down and spend time with God and in his word and to seek Him. 

I took this to another person of accountability who told me that was exactly what we should all do. We should sit down and seek understanding of who God is, what does he look like, smell like, taste like, feel like. To develop a relationship with God will allow us to get to know him, free from biased opinions of others. While it is great to discuss God with others and learn from others, God doesn't want us to believe what is just handed to us by them. He wants us to know him, intimately and personally.

As I looked at the beautiful sunrise this morning, I lost my breath. I could feel God's beauty, grace and sovereignty wrapped around me.  As I sit down for my morning devotional on understanding God, I immediately thought back to the time when I truly came to know him. What a beautiful time that was and how great it is to have an understanding of my own that reminds me every day, how loved I am. God loves each of us so much. There is a quote from C.S. Lewis that perfectly describes that love... 

"He died not for men, but for each man. If each man had been the only man made, He would have done no less. C. S. Lewis"

So, my challenge to you. Sit down in God's word and in his world. Be still and know Him, not because some one else told you, but because in your heart he has taken up residence  and for some of you he is looking to move in. Know your creator, one on one. I am praying you find him there, in the still. 

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” (Psalm 46:10 ESV)

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

From a Slave of people to a Servant of God

I have learned in recovery that character defects are usually our character assets that have become messed up. 

God gifted me with a servant's heart. This is a good thing in the ministry field. This is also an asset easily manipulated in a dysfunctional environment. Without healthy boundaries , this asset becomes a defect and makes me a slave to people. 

This slave mentality happens as a result of not accepting or knowing God's truth. He didn't prepare us to serve people, He prepared us to serve Him. When we accept that, then He can use us to help people. 

Attention is my love language. When someone takes the time to acknowledge I exist, I feel loved. When I feel love, I become a servant. That makes sense because that is how God gifted me to preform in a loving environment. 

The problem in the past has happened when I feel love in a dysfunctional environment or relationship. I get attention and so my gift of service kicks in. But because I have not had boundaries in the past, nor the ability to recognize unhealthy people and because I was unhealthy myself,  instead of serving the other person inside a loving relationship, I enabled them to whatever hurt, habit or hang up they struggle with.

 I have found myself trapped in a cycle that if I didn't enable the other person, they would walk away from me and take their attention with them. I would end up feeling unloved and unwanted. That's a dark place to be. I would continue to enable so I could continue to feel love.

Here is the pivotal element to my ability to recover from this issue.  I recognized my feelings were in the way of God's truth. You can read back and see how many times I used the word feel. 

The truth is, I don't have to feel loved, I am loved. Every second, of every minute, of every day before I was even created in my mother's womb, God loved me. 

Accepting this as truth has allowed me to reopen my servants heart and use it for the purpose God has for me. I am no longer a slave to other people. I love other people, but it is a healthy love now. It is the true love God has shown me that has allowed me to give true love to others.  I receive my love and affirmation from Him. The more I accept His love, the more I am able to serve and be fulfilled, rather than left empty and damaged by people that have failed me time and time again. 

The truth is, we are all messy sinners saved by grace. Therefore, we all fall short of meeting each other's needs. God didn't intend for us to fill each other's needs. He, alone, wants to meet all of our needs.  To try and do everything for another human being sets us up for failure. We will never succeed. He won't allow it. He wants to be our everything. 

I know many of you, like myself, struggle with relationships with other people that include family, friends, and acquaintances. I pray these words will open your heart to allow God, and not people to be your everything. I pray that you will no longer be a slave to people but a servant for Him. I pray you know true love.

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

Surrendering Pain

I was truly convicted this last week to turn my pain over to God. Even though God has been working in me through recovery ministry, I didn't know pain was an issue. I knew there had been tremendous moments of pain through out my life but I had buried with denial the truth that I was not dealing with the pain appropriately. I thought I was strong but I have realized my weakness. 

In my recovery bible, I looked up "pain" and it brought me to the Book of Job. What was a single verse led  me to read most of the book through again. It was different this time through, despite many times through before, I could relate to Job. I could literally feel the bitterness, the questions, the anger, the attempts at justification and the frustration with his friends that just didn't understand.  

Right before the epilogue of Job, came a pivotal verse for me. 

I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; (Job 42:5 ESV)

I have heard of God since I was a young girl. I have worked on getting to know God for the last two years. It has been through confronting my pain, I can see God more clearly at work in my life. 

Working as well on our joint testimony, my husband and talk about the extremes. He lost his birth mother when she was murdered. I lost my mother to suicide. And well, I could go on and on and on with extreme moments that were very painful in our lives. It's not the just specific moments, it's the reason for them.

 

What this week has brought me to is the understanding that God was not punishing me, he was preparing me. Like Job, I felt (feel) like I have done most of what I am supposed to do. I followed the rules the best I knew how. I have a huge list of justifications for the pity parties I am capable of throwing for myself over the things that have happened in my life. Now I can accept, it doesn't matter what I want to justify as my right to be offended, hurt, mad, and angry. It matters that God has a plan and he won't waste the pain and injuries in my life. There is a work in front of me. With the ability to see more of God, I am seeing with more clarity his calling on my life. 

I am able to work through the pain just as one would with any other issue in recovery. One day at a time, surrender, and most important, faith in my higher power, God. 

So I share in this post, my ultimate surrender of pain. I share not just for myself though. I share for those still hurting, full of legitimate heart wrenching pain and no answer as to how to make it stop. I am praying for you to be able lay that pain down at the foot of the cross. I am praying you don't just think about the God you have heard of, but that you may come to know and SEE Him. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

Pretty Masks

So I admit, I watch others to learn from others. I have done this from a very young age. 

I have always known my life wasn't the average mom-dad-two kids-one dog-brick home with white picket fence kind of life. As I got older, I realized, how much my life was far from that picture I had developed of "normal". Then I got older and wondered was that a normal that even existed? Then I realized, even in a family that fit that description, it was just a pretty mask. The reality, life is messy, chaotic and up and down! A pretty mask to hide behind doesn't change that. 

Back to learning from people and the expectations I have had to let go of. What we see is not reality, it's a perception. Reality requires a view of the whole picture and often we are limited to the glasses we have looked through our whole lives. I have worked through a recovery program that has enlightened my peripheral vision. I still don't have the complete picture and it's very likely, that won't happen soon.

I have sifted through many disappointments, let downs, and failures. I have had to work through trust issues and anger issues and the whole vomiting-emotions-on-everyone-that-is-in-my-path-when-I-can-no-longer-deal-with-feelings thing that I do. 

What's the point of this blog, learning truth. It doesn't come from watching people, it comes from God's word. In the bible I have found my comfort. The answers I search for on how to navigate life are all there. An example that I hold dearest is to seek God in all that I do and He will make my path straight. 

I don't have to follow the pretty masks! I don't have to struggle to be right. I don't have to blindly navigate this world and end up hurt and defeated. I can seek God. He is the great navigator, planner, protector, and provider. When things don't go right, it's usually that they aren't wrong, but that I set up expectations and therefore defeated myself. 

Truth sets us free. As I fall short of my own expectations again and again, I am reminded, the only thing I  should expect is that I will need to hand my life over to God every day. When I feel that I have let God down, I just have to remember I can't let God down, I am not holding him up. The truth is, God is holding me up and He will never let me down. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

Resolution of Intentional Decisions

Goals, resolutions, the resounding themes for the day. A new year, another chance to surrender, another opportunity to grow and change.

Really, we have those options at any moment on any given day. We can choose to surrender to Christ and become new. 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV)

Today seems to be the day that we are to be intentional with our goals. I think that should happen every day though. With that thought, my resolution is one I have had in my heart for awhile. I want to work on making intentional decisions.

 I don't want life to happen to me. I want to seek God's will, discover my calling, and take that leap of faith to live the life I have been designed for. Two years ago my resolution was recovery, last year was growth, this year it comes together. It's time accept the old is gone and I have been made new. Even though I already knew that, I want to live like that, intentionally. 

A Grateful Believer In Jesus Christ 

~Johnna 

How does your garden grow?

Planting

Planting good seeds is something often talked about. It's the works and words and impressions we leave on others that have an opportunity to grow something good in them.

What about the other seeds we plant? I have realized that intentional or not, we do plant bad seeds. I did this yesterday, several times. It was a rough day and words came out of my mouth that I had to apologize for. I have learned that I can't plant bad seeds and when I do, I have to pick them back up! That means making amends and that isn't always easy. 

There is one more lesson, the bad seeds planted into us by others. We can't go around trying to force other people to make amends when they have dropped something bad in our life.  This means we have to clean up that up ourselves. We can recognize the bad we need to clean out. It's usually grown into anger, resentments, bitterness, criticism and all that yucky stuff. When we recognize the root of those things in us, it's easier to pluck out. We don't do this for those that did or said harmful things but for us. It is called forgiveness and it's so our lives are a flowerbed of good things that can grow. 

Have you taken the time to look at what you might be planting in others, Have you taken the time to be mindful and cleanup what is planted in you? 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ

~Johnna