2015- Children

Children 

For the last three years, I have had a focus area for my life. Three years ago it was recovery. Two years ago it was growth. Last year it was making intentional decisions. This year it is my children. 

In the beginning of my recovery, I had to do step work and uncover those false belief systems I had developed as a child growing up in dysfunction. I then had to allow my self to learn healthy and honest belief systems. I grew through that process in the second year as those new belief systems developed and took root. Last year I had to be intentional in my focus and put some real work into this new life God had given me. Now, it's time to take my children along in that recovery.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6 ESV)

The thing about children is they will go the way they are trained up. Even though we have participated in the family centered recovery program "Celebrate Recovery", our children learned from our behavior before recovery as well. 

The family arguments, the reactions to drama, the critical comments and sarcastic whips, all found in most families but very predominant in families of dysfunction. They are unhealthy coping skills and we certainly passed those on to our children. 

We have worked with our kids and as I said earlier, they have been to recovery as well but they need more. They need taught better and re-trained.

 I heard something at a conference last month and it resonated in my momma heart. "No amount of discipline will make up for lack of training". I can correct my children's behavior all day long. I can ground them and put them in time out for mean things they might say or for unruly behavior. It won't change that they have been trained up in the presence of unhealthy coping skills. It will take learning new coping skills for them to recover and change their behavior. 

I am sharing this in preparation for the beginning of 2015. I am sharing it to inspire other families, other parents. Recovery is exhausting. We weren't all "churched" growing up or taught healthy belief systems. It's okay to admit that, to claim for your life what you are going to do now. 

God can make changes in our lives at any point we are willing to submit to them. We have to remember if we have done that after we have had children, we have to bring our children along in this decision. We have to allow God to show us a healthier way to parent and then we have to apply those actions  to our everyday life. It won't be easy but it is possible and it is certainly worth it. 

Praying for all of my recovery family and their children. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ

~Johnna 

Such a Time as This

For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14 ESV)

Have you ever found yourself in a place or situation and you wonder why? 

In the book of Esther, we meet a queen who is courageously obedient. Her obedience allows God to put her in a place and at a time where she will ultimately aide in the rescue and victory of her people. 

There are many aspects to this book but what touched my heart this time is how much of Esther's situation played out for her good and for the good of her people on mere obedience. She risked her life multiple times by approaching the kings throne without being summoned because Mordecai told her to. I suspect her obedience also played a factor in her finding favor with the King and the grace he extended to her.

It is a simple concept that still applies today. The King of kings wants to extend his grace to us. The difference is we do not have to fearfully approach his throne but rather we are urged to boldly approach his throne. 

What would happen if we were to obediently seek God and make our request and petitions known? We are living in a world full of sin and evil. We, as Christians, need to intercede for our people, our families, our neighbors, and our leaders. We need to ask God to deliver us, help us, show us grace and mercy. God wants to extend to us all of those things. Not everything requires a miracle, in fact, God's plan is meant to fall in to place, it only requires obedience. 

Are you willing to step up and be an Esther or a Mordecai? The world today could use a couple of them. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

~Johnna 

Real Love

In the past, I have resented many people in my life for not loving me. 

What I have learned in recovery is that it wasn't people. People did and do love me. I, meanwhile, had developed a false belief system when it came to love. 

At some point, in a chaotic and tumultuous upbringing, I came to misunderstand what love is, what love looks like, and how to love others. This made it impossible for me to receive and give real love. 

This post may be a little premature, as I am still learning what real love looks like. Here are a few things I know now... 

Real love is the same love that God had for us when he sent his son to in to the world. Real love is the same love that Jesus had for us when he went to the cross. Real love is the same love that causes the Holy Spirit to dwell in us and intercede for us. 

Real love is not earned. Real love is not achieved. Real love doesn't cost anything. Real love doesn't hurt. 

Real love comes from the father, son and Holy Spirit. We can't give or receive real love to and from other people unless it's filtered first through the Godhead. To love and receive love apart from the trinity will result in idolatry in our hearts.

I share this post because I see others struggling with aches. I, too, know that ache. Maybe you also have that emptiness, that desire, that gap in your heart. You might have tried lots of things searching for relief; drugs, alcohol, sex, people approval. 

The only cure comes so simple, receiving the real love that has come to us through salvation. 

We don't have to do anything, be anything, give anything, tolerate anything... We need only to accept Jesus as our savior and he will provide everything we  need for the gaps. Just accept his real love.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 ESV)

A grateful believer in Jesus Christ,

~Johnna 

An entire year of One Day at a Time

It's been at least a week of dread realizing this day was coming. Today, it's been one year since I lost my mother to suicide. 

Knowing I needed to sit down and ask God to give me something to share, and knowing it would be painful, I didn't want to face this day. The memories are still painful but a tiny more bearable. 

The thing about sharing our story, is that healing is brought when we allow God to recycle our pain. He uses even the bad spots for his glory. He gives us redemption, free and undeserved. He needs us to pass that a long so others know they can receive it as well. 

What can be redeeming about this situation? It hasn't been easy to find silver linings, but what I have done is think a million times over what I wish I could have said to my mom. It tormented me for the first six months after her death until God helped me turn the torment into testimony. It's that recycled pain that I can and do share  now with others.

What I wish I could have told her and what would I tell someone else struggling to survive ...

Suicide is an unnecessary decision. I know the pain is real, but Jesus already took that pain to the cross and died that death for you, all you have to do is accept that truth, stand on that truth and claim victory in that truth. 

It may take other believers, lots of prayer and a recovery program to overcome such an intense attack from the enemy, but the first and most important step is accepting the work done on the cross. 

"Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 53:4-5 ESV)

The thing I would like the survivors  to know, is Jesus loves you, he sees you, and he is with you. He was born, he lives, he died and he rose again, just for you. He will never leave you or forsake you. The pain is excruciating but you too can take your pain to the cross and he will heal you. 

I am praying for all who reads this, that you find the grace, mercy, hope and love that comes from our One True King

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

Hello, my name is...

For several generations,  my grandparents and parents owned several businesses in a small Oklahoma town. Because of this, many people knew my family . 

My parents were good and decent people. My dad, a God fearing man, helped anyone that needed help as did my grandfather before him. One of our family business was a restaurant and anyone hungry, knew where they could find a meal. 

Because of their love, kindness, and generosity, my family had respect. There were many times as a teenager and young adult, I would use my family's position in the community as a means to succeed in what I was doing or to obtain what I wanted. 

I could call a mechanic, tell them whose daughter I was and I was sure to get good service at a good price. I could request help or assistance with a project from other people and would end up with a crowd willing to pitch in. There were times I was in a place and just gave my name and people would recognize my maiden name and I would receive extra kindness and attention. 

My parents and grandparents and family name having respect wasn't a result of good works, it was a result of obedience to who they were. They behaved like the Christians they were called to be. They didn't find their identity in their family name, they recognized their identity as children of God. 

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. (Isaiah 43:1 ESV)

What I have learned as I have grown in my walk with the Lord is that it isn't just my family name that I want people to respond to. I love my family and appreciate when people still recognize me and stop to share a story they remember but what makes me feel complete and purposeful is when people recognized me as a daughter of the one true king and they stop to share their struggles, victories and prayers requests with me. 

If we can find favor with people by relating to good people, imagine the favor we can find by relating to God. When we let him use us and work through us, we find ourselves drawn into community, where we are of service and where we also receive compassion and help. 

God called us his. He called us by our name. He made us his children. He wants us to stand with one another and he wants others to see that in us so that they can be led to Jesus and then they too can be called His. It's a beautiful process, one that advances his Kingdom.

Today, how do you want to be identified? Do you know who you are and is that who you present yourself to be? Praying for all of you to find your identity, in Christ!

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

The courage to be called

It takes courage to follow Jesus! When Jesus called his followers, he told them simply to come on. He didn't sit down with them and help them figure out a plan of action, he made a request and expected obedience. 

There are several examples in the bible where we see uncertainty from people. Jesus tells us he will take care of those that follow him. 

“Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. (Luke 12:32 ESV)

What we have to do is have the courage and faith to follow through with our calling. Fear creeps in as soon as something bigger than ourselves begins to happen. 

The reality is, circumstances bigger than ourselves are sure to happen when following Jesus. It's his plate not ours and his plate is greater than anything we can imagine.

So when we find ourselves scrambling and searching for answers, the best answer is to be still and listen to that still small voice. Jesus has the answer and he will take care of it all, we have nothing to fear! 

A grateful believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna

How Joseph Recovered

The story of Joseph is one of the most amazing story's of recovery and reunification to me. 

After being sold into slavery by his jealous brothers, Joseph later becomes exalted in all of the land Egypt, his importance to the people , second only to Pharaoh. 

After many years, Joseph's brothers travel to Egypt during famine for help. Approaching him, they begged for relief, not realizing at the time he was their own brother. Joseph takes care of them and their families. 

The brothers made amends out of fear after their father dies but Joseph knows that God's hand has been in his life and used every bit of his trials for good. This is what he tells his brothers... 

"But Joseph said to them, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.” Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. "(Genesis 50:19-21 ESV)

Sometimes, we find ourselves in unfair circumstances. People intentionally hurt us for various reasons. Sometimes these offenses causes disturbances in many relationships. Joseph didn't see his father for many years and his father thought him dead, as a result of his brothers actions. 

Forgiveness and healing come when we are able to turn our circumstances over to God. When we put our faith in him and not in people, then we can work out our relationships, even the most difficult ones. 

I have to admit, there are still relationships in my own life that have not found healing, three years into recovery. There are also many relationships that have been made new and they are beautiful. 

Today, I pray for you to learn from Joseph and the example he set. I pray for you to trust that God can use you exactly where you are, regardless how you got there, and he can make it better. God can and will restore your life, let him! 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ,

Johnna 

The Source of Attack

The saying "when it rains, it pours", well that is true. But do you know why that's true? 

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8 ESV)

It's true because we have an adversary that seeks to harm and destroy us!

Look at the instructions, "be sober-minded, be watchful"

Sober-minded doesn't just mean be sober, it means have a sober mind that knows and seeks truth. It means having an honest perception. 

What happens when we don't follow instructions? Well, let me tell you, lots of dysfunction! Those attacks, they seem more frequent and stronger! 

I have people that have consequential influence in my life that are not sober minded. I see them under attack and then I see blame kick in. What's going on is they aren't able to see the true source of the attack. It's one of the enemy's tricks, to deflect blame from himself and then he uses us to attack one another. 

So where is the break in generational dysfunction here?

 When we come under that last straw and want to break down from all the "rain pouring", we can identify that we are under an attack from the enemy and answer the call to battle spiritual warfare.  We can clothe ourselves in the full armor. We recognize the importance of being a team and NOT helping the enemy by taking our feelings and frustrations out on another. We can claim victory through Jesus! 

It's time to stop letting the enemy's attacks go by unrecognized. It's time to take back his ability to wreak havoc in our lives! 

A grateful believer in Jesus Christ, 

~Johnna 

How to win the blame game

When we blame others, it's not just because they may have done something harmful. Blame is something so much more dangerous. It's a stronghold the enemy uses to keep us in oppression. We use blame to play the victim. It deflects us from seeing and accepting our part.  

We learn in Matthew that blame in fact, makes us blind!!

Matthew 7:3-5 ESV 

"Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

When I first came to recovery I was covered in the denial that anything was wrong with me. I blamed the situations in my life on the actions of everyone else. I was blind to my part. I couldn't and wouldn't take responsibility for my own actions and even reactions which were often much more horrible than the other persons initial action. 

I have had to learn to accept my part in situations, even when I may react to someone else's offense. I can't let blame cover me in denial and make my heart hard. Looking outward, causes me to to remain outward. God is interested on the inward. He wants my heart. 

I have come to recognize the need to blame as a trigger and I begin to intentionally look inside of me. When I do that, my need to blame others no longer has a hold of me. It becomes an indicator rather than a dictator. 

When we successfully began to recognize and redirect the need to blame, we can claim victory. For what the enemy has tried to instill as a stronghold, now releases us into a place where Jesus can work on our hearts. It's when our hearts are open, we can truly see the work God is doing in us. This is how we can win the blame game! 

Next time you want to blame someone else, can you find minute to be still and ask, "what's my part in this?" 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

Celebrate Recovery

Please feel free to share, you may know someone struggling, and this ministry changes lives. 

Celebrate Recovery is a recovery program based on the 12 steps, their biblical comparisons and 8 principles based on the beatitudes. This program allows recovery for many people on multiple levels seeking freedom from Hurts, Habits, and Hangups including issues of  abuse, grief, addiction, alcoholism, codependency, depression. Those strongholds that stop us from living our lives full of purpose. 

The Landing is available for teenagers, celebration station for children, and pre-covery for little ones. 

Celebrate Recovery is a safe place with lots of support for entire families searching for a way from generational dysfunction. There are groups all over the US. Closest to me are Chickasha, Duncan, and Lawton. 

I share this because so many people are out their struggling and often alone. I pray for them to find the entrance to our doors. We are waiting to hug them and love them and hold their hands while they start their own journey to freedom.

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ

~Johnna 

Leave Fingerprints Ministry

I am from a family that includes multiple generations that have struggled with dysfunction, addiction , , alcoholism, and mental health problems.

My recovery journey started at the age of 12 when I was taken to my first recovery meeting. For the next 20 years, I would struggle with the desire of a better life and a better way. It wasn't until 2011, when I was introduced to a Christ-centered recovery program that I was able to start claiming victory over the hurts, habits, and hangups in my life. Decades of co-dependency, control, anger, resentment, low self-worth, and a misunderstanding of who God really is,  formed  strongholds in my life and interfered with God's purpose for me. I am learning to break free from these stronghold by claiming the victory Christ paid for me on the cross when he died for my sins.

Leave Fingerprints ministry was born out of the desire to share with others like a handful of people shared with me along my journey. Those amazing people with evangelistic hearts that took the time to share the gospel with me. They would provide me with the hope found in our Savior, Jesus.  I would use that hope to develop a faith in a Sovereign God whose word, the bible, holds the answer to every single problem that has ever plagued me and my family. His way is the truth and the life. It's now my turn to share that hope with you!

The Purpose of Leave Fingerprints is to help others find recovery and rehabilitation  from generational dysfunction and to learn to live Christ centered lives based on biblical principles.
You can visit our website at www.leavefingerprintsministry.com

 ~ A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ,
Johnna

Walking Out of The Storm

A lot has happened in life and recovery lately. Most of it has been great and all of the great is so much more than just me or anything I did. Everything great that has appeared a victory in my life, has actually came from God working on my life and working in me. That is a great and humble feeling. 

The old me would struggle with pride and arrogance at some of the awesome victories in my recovery. The new me actually struggles with fear.

I described this fear to my husband and then to my sponsor. I could mostly relate it to the story of Peter when Jesus calls him to come to him in the storm. At the point Peter becomes frightened and takes his eyes off of Jesus, he starts to sink. I imagine him in the storm actually feeling he is going to drown. Peter cries out to Jesus and Jesus saves him.

I remember life before recovery and before complete surrender. I feel called out of the storm and the fear I feel is that my flesh might cause me to take my eyes off of Jesus. I have felt that fear of drowning, I don't want to ever feel that way again. 

The same day I described this feeling and the insight I had received  of how Peter might have felt almost drowning, the passage of Matthew 14:24-32 came up two more times. Once in a book I'm reading and another in a daily devotional I receive. 

What I have learned is that I might have fear and there will be storms. The prayer I have is for the ability to keep my eyes on Jesus, my mouth speaking Jesus and my heart full of Jesus.

Do you struggle with the up and down, the feeling of Victory followed by the fear of drowning? Do you stay intentional in your recovery to keep focused on Jesus? Join me in deciding to opt for that closer walk with Jesus, to reach out in the storm and to let him hold us up. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

 

Earning, tithing, saving, and spending, we are ready!

A couple weeks ago, I was discussing money with our teenagers. I was trying to explain to them that I actually had to earn the money to get to go out with my friends when I was their age. My mom sold Avon and if I needed money, I helped her sell it and I would get the money to go to the movies or skating out of that.

 My children surprised me in the most awesome way. Instead of just accepting what I was telling them about earning my own money versus how much we give them, they wanted to know if they could earn their own money too. I have sold Avon many times throughout the years but I am most excited about this opportunity. I look forward to teaching our kids to earn, tithe, save and spend. They are ready to go! We were able to get everything in place yesterday. Here is our website that anyone that wants can order from directly or they can email, message, or call me and if you are local , we will deliver a book to you!

Here is a link to our website! Feel free to share ... http://www.youravon.com/johnnahurt

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ,
Johnna

Knowing Our Place

And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn. (Luke 2:6, 7 ESV) 

This was the daily bible verse I received this morning. Something new immediately struck me when I read it and it has grown in my heart until I felt led to write it out.

"....because there was no place for them in the inn."   

Jesus was born in a manger, in a world that had no place for him. He was born to a young couple with little means and in circumstances that just didn't support his arrival. 

Looking at the reality of this infant's situation, born to young unmarried parents with no special recognition to their names; one could not possibly have assessed this and come to the conclusion that this was our savior. 

God brought his only begotten son into this world not because we had a place prepared for him but because he had a place prepared for us. 

Sometimes, we look at our worldly situation and search for answers. Where is our place? Where do we belong? What will be our career? What is our purpose? 

We can't look at our current circumstances and try to figure out the answers. We have to look to God and understand, he already has the answers. He has all that we are seeking. God has our purpose and our place figured out in his plan. 

It's time to stop trying to "fit in". It's time to stop trying to find our place. This world is simply a small part of our journey. We work here, we grow here and then one day, in Gods time, we will make our way home, and there, we will be in our place. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

How do I love thee, let me count the ways

There four different types of love in the Bible. There is divine love, brotherly love, family love and romantic love. 

 I am grateful for my husband who practices romantic love in all the little details. He makes my coffee every morning, and he kisses me before he leaves home and every time he returns home.

 I am grateful for a husband that practices family love. He has given me 6 beautiful children and considers our family one of his greatest responsibilities. 

 I am grateful for brotherly love and a husband that is my brother in Christ. He has Jesus in his heart and the wisdom he shares when he ministers to me, makes me a better person. 

Agape Love, Divine Love, Unconditional Love. I can't say either one of us will master that concept in this lifetime but our Love has stood a lot of tests. In the moments when I am most upset, I am grateful for a husband that will stop and ask me to pray with him. He may not always have the answers and he knows he can't heal all my hurt, but he knows how to lead me to prayer and that is the greatest blessing of all.

I am so thankful to God who knew what he was doing when he perfectly fit us together. 

To my amazing Husband, I love you on this Valentines day and every day to follow with every type of love that is in my heart! 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

A Day Full of Details

I have been working in the area of perception and truth. It's the way things look to me verses how things really are. I have been attempting to fast from negative thinking. In order to expect a positive life, I have to practice a positive life.

The work of recovery has shown itself several times this week. One notable event, the flat tire our family had Friday night. After a somewhat stressful week, this could have sent me into a fuss. It didn't. I was patient and calm with myself, my husband and my children. I was grateful this didn't happen the day before when the added expense of a new tire would have driven me to tears. I was grateful we stayed warm and I  was grateful for the opportunity to take our kids out to eat afterwards. 

We had missed our weekly recovery meeting with our Celebrate Recovery family and the new tire was quite expensive. Those details weren't so overwhelming because of my ability to focus on ALL of the details. There wasn't just negative moments, there were moments all combined into one experience. Seeing all of the details made the negative portions bearable. I was able to maintain peace and serenity. 

It was really really cold this morning when I took my kids to school. As I pulled back into my drive, I saw a beautiful sunrise. I stopped and took a picture. How great is our God! I love His details. I am grateful I get to enjoy them.

My new prayer and outlook is to pray for a day full of details. It's in all of the details that the entire picture of each beautiful day can be presented to us in all it's fullness. Each day is a day to rejoice, to be glad in it. The rest are just details. 

Praying for you to enjoy the details as they come, even the details sent to grow you and teach you.  That at the end of each day, you see the full picture and God's glory in it! 

one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. (Ephesians 4:6 ESV)

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

We came to believe in a Higher Power

Several years ago, after they had sought help from a treatment center,  a family member approached me with the fact they weren't sure they believed in the God we had been given. 

I freaked out and started to walk away. Of all the chaos and instability in my life over the years, one thing that remained the same for me was God. God was my steady. I wasn't willing to revisit who He was, I just knew I needed him. 

The religion I had always known was one of teaching and discipline . I was taught to do it Gods way if I wanted to be okay. The problem didn't go wrong in doing it God's way, the problem came about because I believed other people's interpretation of God's way. I believed who they told me God was and what he wanted from me. 

My family member didn't allow me to walk away. Rather they stood stubborn and challenged me to take God out of the box. They told me to clear my mind of everything I had ever came to understand, to sit down and spend time with God and in his word and to seek Him. 

I took this to another person of accountability who told me that was exactly what we should all do. We should sit down and seek understanding of who God is, what does he look like, smell like, taste like, feel like. To develop a relationship with God will allow us to get to know him, free from biased opinions of others. While it is great to discuss God with others and learn from others, God doesn't want us to believe what is just handed to us by them. He wants us to know him, intimately and personally.

As I looked at the beautiful sunrise this morning, I lost my breath. I could feel God's beauty, grace and sovereignty wrapped around me.  As I sit down for my morning devotional on understanding God, I immediately thought back to the time when I truly came to know him. What a beautiful time that was and how great it is to have an understanding of my own that reminds me every day, how loved I am. God loves each of us so much. There is a quote from C.S. Lewis that perfectly describes that love... 

"He died not for men, but for each man. If each man had been the only man made, He would have done no less. C. S. Lewis"

So, my challenge to you. Sit down in God's word and in his world. Be still and know Him, not because some one else told you, but because in your heart he has taken up residence  and for some of you he is looking to move in. Know your creator, one on one. I am praying you find him there, in the still. 

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” (Psalm 46:10 ESV)

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

From a Slave of people to a Servant of God

I have learned in recovery that character defects are usually our character assets that have become messed up. 

God gifted me with a servant's heart. This is a good thing in the ministry field. This is also an asset easily manipulated in a dysfunctional environment. Without healthy boundaries , this asset becomes a defect and makes me a slave to people. 

This slave mentality happens as a result of not accepting or knowing God's truth. He didn't prepare us to serve people, He prepared us to serve Him. When we accept that, then He can use us to help people. 

Attention is my love language. When someone takes the time to acknowledge I exist, I feel loved. When I feel love, I become a servant. That makes sense because that is how God gifted me to preform in a loving environment. 

The problem in the past has happened when I feel love in a dysfunctional environment or relationship. I get attention and so my gift of service kicks in. But because I have not had boundaries in the past, nor the ability to recognize unhealthy people and because I was unhealthy myself,  instead of serving the other person inside a loving relationship, I enabled them to whatever hurt, habit or hang up they struggle with.

 I have found myself trapped in a cycle that if I didn't enable the other person, they would walk away from me and take their attention with them. I would end up feeling unloved and unwanted. That's a dark place to be. I would continue to enable so I could continue to feel love.

Here is the pivotal element to my ability to recover from this issue.  I recognized my feelings were in the way of God's truth. You can read back and see how many times I used the word feel. 

The truth is, I don't have to feel loved, I am loved. Every second, of every minute, of every day before I was even created in my mother's womb, God loved me. 

Accepting this as truth has allowed me to reopen my servants heart and use it for the purpose God has for me. I am no longer a slave to other people. I love other people, but it is a healthy love now. It is the true love God has shown me that has allowed me to give true love to others.  I receive my love and affirmation from Him. The more I accept His love, the more I am able to serve and be fulfilled, rather than left empty and damaged by people that have failed me time and time again. 

The truth is, we are all messy sinners saved by grace. Therefore, we all fall short of meeting each other's needs. God didn't intend for us to fill each other's needs. He, alone, wants to meet all of our needs.  To try and do everything for another human being sets us up for failure. We will never succeed. He won't allow it. He wants to be our everything. 

I know many of you, like myself, struggle with relationships with other people that include family, friends, and acquaintances. I pray these words will open your heart to allow God, and not people to be your everything. I pray that you will no longer be a slave to people but a servant for Him. I pray you know true love.

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

Surrendering Pain

I was truly convicted this last week to turn my pain over to God. Even though God has been working in me through recovery ministry, I didn't know pain was an issue. I knew there had been tremendous moments of pain through out my life but I had buried with denial the truth that I was not dealing with the pain appropriately. I thought I was strong but I have realized my weakness. 

In my recovery bible, I looked up "pain" and it brought me to the Book of Job. What was a single verse led  me to read most of the book through again. It was different this time through, despite many times through before, I could relate to Job. I could literally feel the bitterness, the questions, the anger, the attempts at justification and the frustration with his friends that just didn't understand.  

Right before the epilogue of Job, came a pivotal verse for me. 

I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; (Job 42:5 ESV)

I have heard of God since I was a young girl. I have worked on getting to know God for the last two years. It has been through confronting my pain, I can see God more clearly at work in my life. 

Working as well on our joint testimony, my husband and talk about the extremes. He lost his birth mother when she was murdered. I lost my mother to suicide. And well, I could go on and on and on with extreme moments that were very painful in our lives. It's not the just specific moments, it's the reason for them.

 

What this week has brought me to is the understanding that God was not punishing me, he was preparing me. Like Job, I felt (feel) like I have done most of what I am supposed to do. I followed the rules the best I knew how. I have a huge list of justifications for the pity parties I am capable of throwing for myself over the things that have happened in my life. Now I can accept, it doesn't matter what I want to justify as my right to be offended, hurt, mad, and angry. It matters that God has a plan and he won't waste the pain and injuries in my life. There is a work in front of me. With the ability to see more of God, I am seeing with more clarity his calling on my life. 

I am able to work through the pain just as one would with any other issue in recovery. One day at a time, surrender, and most important, faith in my higher power, God. 

So I share in this post, my ultimate surrender of pain. I share not just for myself though. I share for those still hurting, full of legitimate heart wrenching pain and no answer as to how to make it stop. I am praying for you to be able lay that pain down at the foot of the cross. I am praying you don't just think about the God you have heard of, but that you may come to know and SEE Him. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

MLK, conflict, love, and a dare to dream

"Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love." -Martin Luther King, Jr. 

This is quite the concept, resolving conflict with love.  What happens if we are taught to deal with conflict wrong? Even worse, what if we haven't been taught at all to deal with conflict? 

I can't pinpoint this to one person or one environment but I can say that growing up, I did not learn to handle conflict appropriately. I learned lots of great things, but this one completely escaped me. 

I have always dealt with conflict with one of two ways, avoiding it or blowing things wide open. If there was a resolution, very rarely could I take credit for it. 

I am grateful to say I am not only learning to handle conflict, I am learning to resolve it in Love. I don't have to be accusatory or play the blame game to state that I have been offended. I don't have to be crushed or play the victim if someone says I have a offended them. I can accept there is a situation, it needs resolved. 

The enemy is great at getting us to believe we have enemies among ourselves. The truth, God created all people to live in community and anywhere an enemy is, sin is responsible. We win that victory when we make the effort, how exhausting and daunting it may seem, to resolve conflict with one another out of love. Looking forward to a resolution that brings us together in humanity as it was intended.

Society isn't so forward thinking about all of this. We are quick to sue our neighbors in court, to file police reports against those that have wronged us, to fire those employees that fall short a simple time or two, or to file for that divorce when our spouse fails to meet our expectations. 

It is difficult to sit down with one another and work things out, to mediate, to save a relationship rather than write it off, to listen to others talk about how we might have offended them. We rather shout their offenses from the roof tops. We, as a society, have fallen out of love with the concept of peace and replaced it with ideas of self prosperity. What we want, what we deserve, what we earn is more important and we have forgotten to lay ourselves down and fight for the greater good.

It's time to take that fight back up. We must find the courage to speak up for justice and  to commit ourselves to finding a resolution where we see wrong. We must learn to handle conflict in love so that we can teach others that same love. We must dare to dream again. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ,

Johnna 

The Place To Be

Six months ago, a situation arose and I felt led to make a huge decision. It was a decision that involved taking action. 

Lots of prayers leading each baby step resulted in something that was so much bigger than myself. It was something that happened out of my obedience to answer a calling. 

As the dynamics of the situation changed recently, I panicked as I began wondering what I should do next. How was I to move forward, what decisions to make next and would it all work out? 

You see, I didn't go in to this situation prepared for what would happen but what has happened prepared me for so much more. 

I have had to step back and realize, God will take us to circumstances that require us to constantly seek him so that we learn to constantly seek him. 

I don't have to think about what I need to do going forward, I only have to prayerfully seek the right next move and God will advance me. He will move me past myself and into his purpose and his will. It's a good place to be, the best place to be.

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

~Johnna 

Pretty Masks

So I admit, I watch others to learn from others. I have done this from a very young age. 

I have always known my life wasn't the average mom-dad-two kids-one dog-brick home with white picket fence kind of life. As I got older, I realized, how much my life was far from that picture I had developed of "normal". Then I got older and wondered was that a normal that even existed? Then I realized, even in a family that fit that description, it was just a pretty mask. The reality, life is messy, chaotic and up and down! A pretty mask to hide behind doesn't change that. 

Back to learning from people and the expectations I have had to let go of. What we see is not reality, it's a perception. Reality requires a view of the whole picture and often we are limited to the glasses we have looked through our whole lives. I have worked through a recovery program that has enlightened my peripheral vision. I still don't have the complete picture and it's very likely, that won't happen soon.

I have sifted through many disappointments, let downs, and failures. I have had to work through trust issues and anger issues and the whole vomiting-emotions-on-everyone-that-is-in-my-path-when-I-can-no-longer-deal-with-feelings thing that I do. 

What's the point of this blog, learning truth. It doesn't come from watching people, it comes from God's word. In the bible I have found my comfort. The answers I search for on how to navigate life are all there. An example that I hold dearest is to seek God in all that I do and He will make my path straight. 

I don't have to follow the pretty masks! I don't have to struggle to be right. I don't have to blindly navigate this world and end up hurt and defeated. I can seek God. He is the great navigator, planner, protector, and provider. When things don't go right, it's usually that they aren't wrong, but that I set up expectations and therefore defeated myself. 

Truth sets us free. As I fall short of my own expectations again and again, I am reminded, the only thing I  should expect is that I will need to hand my life over to God every day. When I feel that I have let God down, I just have to remember I can't let God down, I am not holding him up. The truth is, God is holding me up and He will never let me down. 

A Grateful Believer in Jesus Christ, 

Johnna 

Resolution of Intentional Decisions

Goals, resolutions, the resounding themes for the day. A new year, another chance to surrender, another opportunity to grow and change.

Really, we have those options at any moment on any given day. We can choose to surrender to Christ and become new. 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV)

Today seems to be the day that we are to be intentional with our goals. I think that should happen every day though. With that thought, my resolution is one I have had in my heart for awhile. I want to work on making intentional decisions.

 I don't want life to happen to me. I want to seek God's will, discover my calling, and take that leap of faith to live the life I have been designed for. Two years ago my resolution was recovery, last year was growth, this year it comes together. It's time accept the old is gone and I have been made new. Even though I already knew that, I want to live like that, intentionally. 

A Grateful Believer In Jesus Christ 

~Johnna